The Stud Muffin

IMG_0163.pngThe Boozy Cherry Muffin

I was up early this morning (again) and decided in advance I may as well make use of the time and get my bake on.  I’ve been wanting to experiment with different flavours and bought some dried cherries, but couldn’t find any Kirsch to soak them in, I went for the next best thing after all it is summer.

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Pimm’s.  I left the cherries to soak overnight, not sure if this will work but what the hey, Edison found 10,000 ways not to make a light bulb, hopefully it won’t take that many ways to find some combinations that work well.  I will draw the line at Sardine muffins or any fish-based product.

Based on feedback by those who’ve sampled them, have all (at least in front of me) said they’ve enjoyed them.  Which makes me think there’s a market for Boozy Muffins especially for stressed out colleagues and employees…

Hmmm…. Now there’s a thought…

With that in mind and after yesterday’s experience with the Diabetic Nurse, with a little creativity, I give you…

The Stud Muffin

Since I have a good recipe for a basic Muffin Batter and my experiment with the Boozy Cherry Muffin. You could simply add crushed up Viagra to each muffin! and I was thinking of some strap lines for such a creation!

  • Bringing life back in to the men in your life!
  • You’ll be reaching the high notes before Jeff Buckley gets to the chorus of Hallelujah and think you’ll be knocking on heaven’s door
  • Handling more wood than a Canadian Lumberjack, you’ll certainly won’t be sleeping all night and sleep all day.
  • A Stud Muffin a day, helps you work rest and play?
  • They’ll be a lot of Knocking on Wood with one of these little beauts!
  • Reaches the part that other men couldn’t reach….

I could keep on going all night with this but you get the drift!

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So what do you think? Am I on to a winning idea here? Leave your comments below.

Oh, you want the recipe? Ok here goes

  • 250g Plain Flour
  • 175g Caster Sugar
  • 2 teaspoon of baking powder
  • ½ teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda
  • 2 Tablespoons of Cocoa Powder
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1 Egg
  • 250ml Milk
  • 90g melted butter
  • 80g dried cherries soaked in Pimms overnight.

Mix all the dry ingredients together in a bowl.  Add the wet stuff in and stir slowly just enough to wet the dough, spoon into tulip muffin cases, and bake for 23 minutes on 200 degrees in a pre-warmed oven.

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Breaking Diabetes

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Breaking in a new Diabetes Nurse this morning, it’s bad enough getting out of my pit at this unholy hour to be there before 8am (when I should be Z’ing away).

In a Jack Bauer voice over styles…

The following took place between 8am and 9am…

Nurse: I’ve been reviewing your file, what do you think has been contributing to your blood glucose level results?

Me: Well apart from the two lots of surgery, pretty much been housebound for nearly 8 months with significantly reduced mobility, suffering stress and anxiety issues… Probably not?

Nurse: Stress and Anxiety? It’s called life get used to it.

Me: Well that’s ok then I feel loads better already. 😁

Nurse: Before you go, do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Me: Coughs, Splutters, wasn’t expecting that… You have reviewed my file?

Nurse: Yes, Yes, we can offer you Viagra you know…

Me: 😳 Why would I need Viagra? It’s not like there’s a purpose now? Maybe hang my xbox controller off it between games?

Nurse: Well that’s a discussion between you and your wife…

Me:

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When I were a lad…

Back when I were a kid, we had :-

  • Lead toys painted with arsenic to put in our mouths.
  • Our parents read bedtime stories from Haynes how to manuals for :-
    • How to Climb interior Chimney Stack and remove the soot (Ages 3-5)
    • Munition Shell cleaning for toddlers (Ages 2-4)
    • The art of Pick a pocket or two (all ages)
    • Matchstick Making (All Ages)
    • Parkour and Steeplejacking for 2 years olds.
  • We’d wear clothes made out of old sacks (The Posh ones did at least) and the choice of colour was soot black or wholesome dirt.
  • And walk home 23 miles in our bare feet (well you had to go where the work was) after a 27 hour shift.
  • The only colour of face painting was purple because of ring worm…
  • Nursery Rhymes reminding us to stay away from people with colds because we will probably die…  (A Tishoo… A Tishoo)
    • Sorry about that must be hay fever or something…😱
  • And we’d all fear the child catcher…

This was of course necessary to earn our keep in the hope we’d get a bowl of gruel.  We usually ate 2-3 times a week, unlike that spoilt Oliver fat fella who was guaranteed a daily meal and never satisfied…

Fast forward to today however, I feel I’ve toughened up over those years but nothing, NOTHING could prepare me for this song…

Kids today, don’t know they’re born…

🤦‍♂️

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Chocolate Chip Muffins

When it comes to a good muffin, Give generously I say 😋

It’s been an interesting week to say the least, back at work and had my first Hypo that I’ve not had for quite some time so didn’t recognise the fact I was passing out all over the place… I ran out of food and sugary snacks, and my anxiety meant I couldn’t leave the house.  What am I to do, since the supermarket won’t deliver for two more days… I pulled myself together with some sugar (mental not to add full fat coke to the shopping list), looked in the cupboards and decided to bake!

Janice loved baking and seems a shame this stuff going unloved and unused… I thought hey why not give it a go how difficult can it be?  Since I was hungry, I quite fancied some chocolate chip muffins…

For this you’ll need the following :-

  • 250g Plain Flour (Though you can use self raising if you prefer)
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
  • 175g Caster Sugar
  • 100g chocolate chips (though feel free to add more)
  • 2 tablespoons of cocoa powder
  • 260ml milk
  • 1-2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1 Large egg
  • 72g melted butter (or margarine)

Baking time 20-25 minutes on gas mark 6/200℃ – 180℃ on a fan assisted oven, and should make 12 muffins give or take (depending on size of the cases used and how generous you are.

Get your favourite mixing bowl and spanking paddle…

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I hadn’t heard of Flour Weevils before and thought my friend over at https://widowskitchen.wordpress.com mentioned these to me, so I googled it thinking it was a wind up… geez that is stuff of nightmares huh? but then I figured that since weevils eat flour, they’ll poop flour too and give the muffin that additional nutty edge, delish 😋!

Slap 250g Plain Flour (though I should have used self-raising and forwent the bicarb and baking powder) into the bowl.

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Add two generous tablespoons of cocoa powder (add more or less to taste), get Bournville  not that Yankee Doodle stuff that masquerades as chocolate.  I pity our cousins across the pond who have yet to test real confectionary.

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Add 175g Caster Sugar

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Add the chocolate chips, now don’t be stingy!

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Mix the dry ingredients up and make a small indentation for the liquid stuff to go in.

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Add the Vanilla Extract

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Measure out about 72g of butter/margarine and melt (microwave oven is good for this), mind you, wear something to protect your hands as I burnt my fingers on this bit!

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Measure out 250ml of milk or thereabouts

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Add all the wet ingredients to the centre of the mix

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And then mix the ingredient to Snap’s Rhythm is a Dancer to get a rough textured batter. (you can use other tracks, but muffin results will vary)…

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Finally, generously spoon in the mix in to cupcake cases and sprinkle with more chocolate chips to suit!

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Pre-heat the oven to Gas Mark 6/200℃ and put on the middle shelf for 20-25 minutes should do it.

Push a knife or knitting needle into the cake to ensure it comes out clean during the baking cycle.

Once done, remove from the oven, sit for 5 minutes before decanting these delicious bad boys ta wire rack for cooling, should be good to go in about 30-40 minutes.  These things are delicious served warm with custard or cream too 🙂

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Cinnamon, Raisin and Oatmeal Cookies

This gallery contains 8 photos.

Originally posted on The Widows Kitchen:
Helloooo bitches! Hows the weekend going? I was going to be all seasonal and shit and do a blog about Strawberry jam, but its raining, so fuck that. I hadn’t planned to do cookies,…

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Adventures in GDPR Week 1…

Here we are, first full week since GDPR came into effect and what’s changed? Well frankly not a lot. All those emails we received in the final run up to the date, where apathy was meant to be rewarded… I’m still receiving the same volume of Spam as I did before! So much for explicit consent eh?

Any hoo… Today I had to get up Über Early to take the car back to VW.  One of its sensors was “impaired” according the error message it was spewing out (This is a different story though).  I was asked to get the car in for 7:30am!!! FFS… That’s inhumane… Surely that in itself is a violation of 1998 Human Right Act… Idi Amin as cruel and creative in his administration he may be, even he would let prisoners have a lay in… What is it with these really early starts fuelled by unusual and cruel insomniacs?

I’m sat in reception explaining the fault when I’m asked to complete their GDPR Compliance form on the garages iPad.  The first compliance statement is around permission to contact me via email, phone, text etc.  However, the statement was a dual statement which included permission to receive marketing from them and their selected partners.  I click NO on every statement, however… I am unable to proceed without selecting one form of contact permission.

The young girl behind the desk, then explains that due to “GDPR” if I don’t agree, they won’t be permitted to contact me to let me know my car is ready!

WTAF… Really? I said? I went on to explain that the company has my permission to call me to let me know my car is ready.  I feel the start of a Monty Python Sketch coming on.

They went on to assertively explain that “Due to GDPR…”

I really didn’t want to go into “Work Mode”but I haven’t had my first mug of coffee and there really needs to be a “Sensibility Check”with today’s youf…

I asked to speak to her GDPR Compliance Officer, I’m told that they don’t have one…

I explained what I do for a career, their non-compliance etc.  The story quickly changed to, they have one but they aren’t in today… hmmm… First week of GDPR and your compliance officer takes a well-earned nap… I think someone’s just Billy Bullshitting me and blagging their way through the day.

Eventually the manager comes out to discuss the matter.  I explain that their compliance statement needs separating from marketing where basic practical customer contact is clearly required, and recommend training for staff to not misrepresent GDPR, I’m happy to talk

  • Principle (a) – Lawfulness, fairness and transparency
  • Principle (b) – purpose limitation
  • Chapter III – Articles 12-23

Etc… All day… But I just want my car fixed…

Thankfully, he’s more pragmatic and I returned back to the miserable caffeine deprived loveable ogre I am…

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Two Ingredient Choc Chip Cookies!

An unusual post for me, I was sorting out the kitchen this week and couldn’t identify half the utensils and tools my wife used for baking, cooking and stuff.  One item didn’t look out of place in Dr Evil’s lair for signalling satellites…

A friends blog https://widowskitchen.wordpress.com has given me some inspiration, you should check her out, her baking skills are legendary!  I thought I’d give this baking nonsense a go, last time I did this was in the 90’s possibly early 2000’s who knows, but how hard can it be right?

So in the style of my friends blog, here’s how I baked a small batch of cookies, it should be fool proof for all levels and especially good if you are looking for an activity to do with your kids!

Stage 1

Foraging for stuff.

  • Get in Car
  • Go to favourite supermarket
  • Buy at least One packet of Cookie Mix
  • Return home
  • Download Tea/Coffee/Beverage and relax watching funny cat clips on youTube.

Stage 2

Getting Started

Had enough of cat videos? You’ll need :-

  • 1 Mixing Bowl
  • 1 Packet of Cookie Mix (Ingredient 1)
  • 30ml water (Ingredient 2)
  • Your favourite Spanking paddle.

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Stage 3

Assembly

  • Open packet with your favourite Mr Slicey tool and spank the shit out the packets bottom to ensure full discharge to bowl!
  • Make a small indentation in the mix in preparation for waterboarding the m***af***a.
  • Slide the water into the centre hole and ensure your mix is moist before the next step.
  • Apply paddle, in slow gentle motion, increasing speed and firmness whilst you paddle/spank this into submission and you’re left with a ball of gooey mess.

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Stage 4

Final Touches

Using your fingers or paddle, slip them gently into this mix and separate into gooey balls of pleasure that feel firm enough to play with before slapping them bad boys down on a non-stick pan.

Apply the heat (170 – 190 degrees) Gas Mask 5 for about 10-12 minutes or until you hear the “Safe Word” and pull out before things get too hot…

Move each cookie to a wire tray for cooling and then wait an hour before experiencing oral pleasure!

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Verdict

Far too sugary

That Betty Crocker sure likes things sweet, in fact too sweet! I did a taste test with a Yankee Doodle friend and her son, and we know the Yanks pour sugar on everything, but these cookies were too sweet for them too!

Conclusion…

I shouldn’t be so feckin’ lazy and do this the way my wife would, which is to source the ingredients separately and organically…

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Wow you’re an amazing Master Chef can we book you for our Party/Gig/Venue.
    • Aww shucks, Flattery and all that, but … No!
  • Was this recipe hard to make?
    • Yes, the hardest part was navigating through the mindless knob heads who clog the isles in the supermarket nattering about the latest Y-Factor TV stuff whilst their feral children use the supermarket as a giant jungle gym and resisting the urge to slap the shit out them and extradite them to the Vegan produce isle…
  • Will you be doing more baking?
    • Probably with the right motivation! (kerching!)
  • You’re amazing will you endorse our product?
    • The official answer is No I don’t endorse or lend my name to products.
      • (Unoffically, call me!  With the right incentive I’m sure we can work it out)
  • Are you the Real Naked Chef?
    • Whoa! steady on there, we’ve only just met.
      • Any short curly hairs found in the finished product *ahem* is coincidental and must be a *cough* manufacturing fault.
  • Are you for real?
    • There has been much philosophical debate about this but if you’re looking for a debate on existentialism and the meaning of life I recommend watching
      “Mel Brooks, The Meaning of Life Part 1…”
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