Happy Wedding Anniversary Janice

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Pre-Wedding Photo Shoot

Today would have been our 12th Wedding Anniversary together, every day just seems to get harder without you being here.  There is so much I want to say, stuff I have to say, and yet I still don’t know where to start.  This blog entry may not make sense as I write from the heart so I’ll start somewhere and see where this post takes me.

When I first met you, you were being introduced by our manager as you started a new job in the same department for the same company I was working for.  It was in that moment I just knew…  Don’t ask me how… I just knew.

We became friends for many years, spending a lot of time together when possible, you even took care of me after my near death experience in the late 90’s due to a botched surgical procedure (when my then girlfriend buggered off and left me at risk).  We’d just hang out, enjoy each others company and have a laugh and giggle.  Sunday mornings we’d phone each other and talk whilst watching Hollyoaks, before meeting up for coffee and cake in various places, but mostly shopping.

People assumed we were a married couple long before we started a relationship and would ask how long we’d been married.  You’d giggle and brush it off, until one evening you decided you wanted more than friendship.

Our wedding day could be considered a fairy tale, from proposing that New Years Eve afternoon to getting married, in 9 months you’d found everything a girl needs, the limo, white horse drawn carriage to the castle, string trio, magician, fireworks, music, 300 candles to light the pathway.  It was magical and fun… A day neither of us would forget.

Mind you, I heard later the Castle staff were taking bets on when I would faint as apparently I looked whiter than white (probably from being up until 4am still writing my speech).

We had a magnum of Vintage 196x Moët et Chandon for the top table and I vividly remember you walking around the castle grounds in your gorgeous wedding dress with that oversized bottle in your hand as you didn’t want anyone walking off with it.

In the 11 years, 3 months and 1 day we were married you were always full of life, optimistic, happy and always said it was sunny when you are up with your gran as a kid.  Sadly in retrospect we both focussed (too heavily) on work and should have done more together.  During the times we weren’t working we managed some awesome travel and adventure between us!  Australia, Hong Kong, Singapore, Dallas, Amsterdam, Paris, Prague, St Lucia, Antigua, Dominican Republic, Barbados, most of mainland Europe, to name but a few…  You’ve always loved travel visiting more places before we started dating including Russia (which I wanted to visit).  you’d be up for almost anything whether it was Scuba Diving at the Great Barrier Reef, Rally Driving at Silverstone, Archery, Quad Biking, Learning to fly a Boeing 737 are but a few examples.  You always wanted to sky surf, to jump out of an aeroplane with a snowboard, but we never managed to get that far in our life journey together.

I am so happy to have been part of your life that even today I still feel helpless in not being able to find a treatment or cure for you.  I don’t want this to be a sad post, because you were a positive person who brought balance and happiness to my life.

I think the point is, that our story was never finished, we planned so much together, to travel the world and sharing experiences.  Our story feels incomplete/unfair.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I now know you shared the rest of your life with me.  I love you now and always. xxx

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Hello, How are you? Part 1…

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It’s been 16 weeks or 112 days or 2,688 hours since losing my loving, gorgeous, caring, and witty wife.  How have I been during that time?  Total shock, denial, loss, emptiness, sad, grief, apathy towards life and devastation just doesn’t seem enough to describe how I am feeling.

My emotional vocabulary isn’t strong, after all, I read technical documents, papers, books and can count on one hand the number of non technical articles/books I’ve read over the last 30+ years…

There hasn’t been single moment I’ve not thought about last years events and Janice is constantly at the front of my mind.  Unfortunately?!? I have an exceptional memory, especially for details, which at times is a curse…

Everyday my mind replays all the events of last year, my head is stuck in a constant loop of her last 12 days, with particular emphasis on the her last 4 days.  I’m sure you can appreciate this is especially painful and one day maybe I’ll be strong enough to share what happened, but not today.

I’ve played out every “What If?…” scenario, “Bargained” with invisible and non-existanct deities, blame myself for not being able to find the answers/solutions for possible treatment/cure from anywhere around the world, and ask myself is there anything more I could have done?  I feel I failed her, for not being able to save her and for not being able to deliver on my promise to bring her home in time.  Ultimately I wasn’t able to save her though I would happily trade places with her.  Cliché? maybe, but it’s true.

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Merry Christmas and Thank You Friends and Family

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With all my Love xxx

As many know, this year has been both stressful and devastating with the recent passing of my Wife at the start of December this year.  As I sit on my own with a glass of wine and slice of pizza I wanted to say “Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Thank You for your help and support in 2016” to both friends and family during this season of good cheer.

No I haven’t gone soft, and I’m not celebrating Xmas or the New Year for 2016, but I do want to recognise the help and support from everyone who has been here to help us both.

I do want to say that Janice is a private person and didn’t broadcast her illness, at the same time she didn’t hide it.  Anyone who asked how she was, would learn the terrible truth.

When the news of her cancer broke, people reacted in different ways.

  • Some close friends ran to the hills to never be seen again (Fair weather friends).
  • Others kept in touch and said “Hello” from time to time.
  • Some of you went over and above to provide help and support, especially during the last few weeks of hospital.
    • Two of my friends had suffered their own personal loses and yet with all their added pressure really stepped with support for which I can not thank them enough.
  • There are those that gave us the space needed during the final days.
  • A few I don’t hear from for months/years at a time are behaving angrily.
  • And old friends who learned of this tragic news have shown their regular support.
  • Those who were completely unaware of the seriousness of her illness are shocked and devastated.

For everyone that has been supportive, picked up the phone to say hello, dropped an email, a PM or text, thank you, your words and thoughts are encouraging, even if I am a miserable old git.

To friends old and new, don’t be strangers or feel awkward, sometimes it’s the phone call, the simple hello or text that helps me get through these very dark days and thoughts, but also don’t be surprised or take it to heart if I’m an emotional wreck, grumpy or erratic.  I’ve never been good at either asking for (or accepting) help, just stick with me and good things will happen I’m sure!

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Jason x

Posted in Cancer, Personal, Xmas | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

In Loving Memory of my Wife

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In Loving Memory of my Gorgeous Wife

It is with deep sadness my best friend and wife passed away peacefully having bravely fought a ferocious, extremely aggressive and rare form of Cancer.

At the time of her diagnosis, I stupidly asked “Why you?”, she looked at me lovingly and calmly replied “Why not me?”.

We both knew it would be a rough year, as she underwent an extremely tough regime of Chemotherapy, Radiotherapy, Scans, Tests, set backs and more surgery than most can endure, and yet she never complained, got upset or cried.  She took each day as it came and focussed on each days problems in a bid to beat her cancer, a fighter to her very last breath.

In November a new (and fatal) tumour was discovered and grew from nothing to a very large size in less than two weeks.  At this point we were told that there was no surgical, radiotherapy or treatment available.  Thankfully the hospital allowed me to sleep on the floor next to her bed for the next 12 days and nights, never leaving her side taking care of her needs until her passing in December.

This years journey has been extremely tough on friends and family dealing with her cancer, and I will tell my story when I have the strength and energy to do so, please believe me when I say she is an inspiration to everyone who knew her during these difficult times.

I am heart broken, devastated and in pain as I have lost my best friend who is gorgeous, caring, witty and a fantastic wife.

I won’t be celebrating Christmas this year (it’s cancelled) and I won’t be sending any cards or festive cheer.  Instead I will sit on my own on Christmas Day with a pizza and a bottle of Jack Daniels for company as I try and make sense of what has happened.

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Dobré Ráno! Ako sa máš?

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Well it finally happened, took a while to sort out but here I am back in Slovakia and it’s been an absolutely gorgeous week so far with temperatures rising as high as 26 Degrees!

 

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Sadly though, an office looks like an office anywhere you work around the world, and so far no time for any proper site seeing/orientation. I did however manage to say Dobrý večer! to the Danube 🙂

Now which of my friends are making the short hop skip and a jump over the pond to come and visit me and party all night long?

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Amazing Sense of Architectural Humour

IMG_7413.pngWho here has watched the fantastic Cold War Drama  Deutschland ’83?

You can catch up on the  series here :- http://www.channel4.com/programmes/deutschland-83

There’s a scene in Episode 6 where Stamm is on the train and you catch a glimpse of German architecture which was captured above.

Now who says architects don’t have a sense of humour!

 

 

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Funniest Birthday Card…

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Knowing my love of all things Apple and an impending birthday, a friend sent me what I think is the funniest birthday card to date.  #WellPlayed 🙂

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