I had an invite to an evening of Kleftiko, which at first I thought was a new restaurant that opened up, turns out it’s a Greek dish involving lamb.
This fitted in my criteria of doing something different, and my friend who’d invited me explained there’d be around 10 of her friends attending. My anxiety increases somewhat around new people, but I’ve been pushing myself more these days and since I’ve not been out of the house in two weeks, then why not I said and accepted.
Turns out all the people are couples, which meant I’m sat like the gooseberry or Captain Sad Sack depending on your preferred thought. To be fair everyone was lovely, conversation was engaging, thought provoking and gaining different views from people with different cultural backgrounds will always lead to interesting discussions on the state of the world, politics, religion and even corporate shenanigans. But something was missing…
Throughout the conversation these couples were all doing the couple thing of being tactile with one another, bit of banter and usual stuff that we all do in relationships. Of course I’m no different when my wife was alive. It serves to highlight what we miss the most, someone to talk to, someone to play around with and someone to help keep you balanced and anchored in life.
Of course I did my best to not show how these unconscious acts made me feel, non-the-less during the course of conversation, I would chime in and say things like well Janice and I would do X or have views on Y etc. The conversation would change subject quickly. I’m assuming my friend had briefed them on my current situation and understand that talking about the dead can make some feel uncomfortable, but sometimes I just want to talk about her as though she’s at home or out with friends. After all Janice lived, she had fun, views/opinions and enjoyed similar things to this group of people. It makes you feel that they don’t matter (of course they don’t to a group of strangers that never met her). Thing is, it matters to me, so whilst I listen to the endearing stories you regale amongst yourselves, don’t shut me down because the person I love is no longer here.
I guess what this highlights more is the loneliness of the situation we find ourselves in. Death of your partner is not the same as a relationship that has broken down over time. The key difference is you found the person that’s perfect for you and you perfect for them, you compliment one another. Through bad luck and circumstance that relationship is torn away without explanation, without reason, and so the perfect bubble you form between you is suddenly missing, happiness one day, gone the next without recourse or ability to swallow your pride and pick up the phone.
Not sure of the point of this entry, just venting off some frustration. I miss Janice and I miss female company.